PUPPYFIGHT!

12/10/13, 10:29 pm

    I just broke up a pretty serious fight between my two poodles.  I was sitting at the kitchen table while Veronica was hogging the computer desk for her “really important final exam,” when Charlie and Red both expressed an interest that it was time to play.  I could have picked up any of the number of toys that are lying around and thrown it for the perfect amount of playtime, but I decided to get up and chase Charlie into the bedroom with Red not far behind.

    Usually when we play “run to the bedroom,” it involves all of us running into the bedroom (yes), and jumping on to the bed and roughhousing.  Sometimes we play “hide under the blanket,” and other times we play “tug of war.”  This particular time before I could initiate any of the above mentioned games, a violent free-for-all broke out...It’s only by the grace of God that I, or either puppydog was able to escape with our lives.

    I was the first to the jump on the bed with Charlie close behind and finally Red thereafter.  Normally Red would be the first dog to make it, but he was preoccupied with his mommy (Veronica) when Charlie and I make our break.  It’s only about a 15-20 ft. sprint from the family room to the bedroom, so Red closed on us fast with his freakishly long legs.  It all becomes blurry after we all landed.

    I vaguely remember calling out for help while the two titan poodles were in the midst of their duel, but to no avail.  They had postured each other in their battle stances and it was then left over to whomever would draw first blood.  It was not unlike a Darthraki wedding.  Little did they know that first blood would be drawn from their master.

    At first I remember thinking that it may all just blow over and break up on it’s own like most fights between puppy-brothers do, but it just kept escalating.  A moment came when I knew that I had to involve myself or surely commit one of them to a soldier-puppy’s burial upon the winter’s morn…”STAND DOWN, PUPPIES!,” I screamed in fear for their safety and my own.  But it was no longer feasible to expect any peaceful resolution...So I pounced.

    I am currently employed in Crisis Management for Behaviorally Disordered teens, and am highly trained in Safe Crisis Management.  I was sure when I jumped in that my instinct and training would kick in and all would be well.  I imagined it would be somewhere along the lines of when Batman would disable a group of henchmen without issue...What I forgot was that Batman often gets injured while fighting crime.

    I swept Charlie up using the side-carry-transport hold and made my way for the door to separate the two brutes.  It would have been a clean break had I not failed to take into consideration Red’s freakishly long legs.  I remembered this fact right as his front incisors sank into my left love-handle.

    “AHHHHH!,” I yelled as I quickly dropped Charlie and ran screaming from the room.  “Stupid damn dogs!!!! Go ahead and rip each other’s heads off!!!”  I ran back to the family room to see Veronica still sitting at the computer table (which she continues to hog all the time for her graduate classes) laughing hysterically.  “That sounded so terrible that I didn’t even want to come in there,” she said, still laughing.

“I’m bleeding out!!!  Get a gauze pad!!!”  

“Hahahahaha.  They hurt you?,” she asked, not really caring.

“Red got me near the kidney.  You better go check on them.”

Both dogs survived.  As of presstime, I am also in stable condition, and both dogs have been locked in the closet.  The master will always win.